I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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