I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
