I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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