I faked an abortion last night.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We need a shit load of segways right now
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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