well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
