i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
