Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
