I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
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the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
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I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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