I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
