Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
