How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
