Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
