Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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