that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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