i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
