never play flip cup with pint glasses
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
