In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
