Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
