Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.