I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
