last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
