If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
