if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Randomize
