new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I could make wine with my vomit
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Randomize
