So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
