Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
