My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
