I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
