if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you win again, gameday.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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