Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
