I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
