I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
