Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
