I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
