I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
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