i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
