i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
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He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
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I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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