I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize