I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
