I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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