where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
