I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
