My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
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he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
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I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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