Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
