He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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