Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
