i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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