Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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