went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
