I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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