My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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