Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just blew my weed a kiss
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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